Jonathan Eusebio directs a lackluster action flick that wastes Ke Huy Quan in a generic assassin-turned-realtor plot.
By James Verniere/Boston Movie News
Another wintertime disappointment, “Love Hurts” is one of Academy Award-winning actor Ke Huy Quan’s first releases since winning the award for “Everything Everywhere All at Once,” and it is his first as the lead character. In the film, Quan is your ordinary (but also extraordinary, of course, home realtor Marvin Gable. Married couples in what looks like a suburb of Los Angeles all want to buy a house from Marvin, whose sales pitch is so warmhearted and convincing that he has been named “Realtor of the Year” and has the precious framed document to prove it.
But the truth is that Marvin is a former sadistic assassin for the mob (How many films have used this plot in the past five years?). In fact, Marvin worked for his even more brutal brother Alvin “Knuckles” Gable (Daniel Wu), who must have a boba drink in his hand because he both likes it and has a nasty use for the straw. Alvin’s goons Renny (Cam Gigandet) and King (NFL veteran Marshawn Lynch) have tracked Marvin down, double-teamed him in his home, and even beat him with the refrigerator. The screenplay by writing partners Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard, and Luke Passmore (“Archenemy”) is a drab conglomeration of “John Wick” and “Kill Bill” movies with an unbelievable romance between Marvin and a mysterious woman named Rose (Ariana DeBose, miscast yet again).
Rose was once another member of the gang. But she was double-crossed by her fellow gangsters and framed for a theft (blah, blah, blah). When Rose returns to town, she zaps everybody in reach with a Taser and defaces real estate ads featuring Marvin’s face. Oh, yes, it’s also Valentine’s Day, and Marvin’s nose-ringed assistant Ashley (Aubrey Plaza lookalike Lio Tipton) hears strange noises coming from Marvin’s office during the office Valentine’s Day party (Are these really even a thing?). As it turns out, Marvin is in a fight to the death with a hired killer-poet named the Raven (the impressive Mustafa Shakir). “Quote the Raven” takes on a new meaning here, while Poe turns quietly in his grave.
Directed by stunt coordinator Jonathan Eusebio (“The Fall Guy”), “Love Hurts” is not so much a narrative feature film as it is a series of well-staged, meaningless fight scenes filled with supposedly clever action-movie dialogue. The “John Wick” series and “Kill Bill” films had central characters and actors to play them, which made us invested in what happened. The screenplay for “Love Hurts” does not make that happen. Marvin Gable is not a character we care about in the way that some people cared for Quan’s Waymond Wang in “EEAAO.” To invoke a 1980s atmosphere, characters in “Love Hurts” drive a vintage Cadillac and a Pontiac Firebird. One of the thugs has been thrown out by his wife because he is “emotionally constipated,” a line that does not get a laugh but is inevitably repeated. Sean Astin shows up, looking beefier than he did as Sam Gamgee in the “Lord of the Rings” films, as Marvin’s rich friend Cliff. Of course, Astin and Quan were cast mates in “The Goonies” (1985). Several fight scenes recall Jackie Chan’s trademark Honk Kong action-movies. Quan is completely believable as a fighter in the Chan slapstick mode. But nothing else in “Love Hurts” works. On top of that, Quan and DeBose have zero chemistry as Valentine’s Day lovers. Love Hurts,” I’ll say.
‘Love Hurts’
Rating: R for strong, bloody violence and language throughout.
Cast: Ke Huy Quan, Adriana DeBose, Daniel Wu
Director: Jonathan Eusebio
Writer: Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard, Luke Passmore
Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes
Where to Watch: AMC Boston Common, Alamo Drafthouse, AMC Causeway, AMC South Bay, Landmark Kendall Square and other suburban theaters
Grade: C
Boston Movie News 
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