Natick director Tom Gormican’s attempt to revive the franchise proves neither scary nor especially funny.
By Bob Tremblay/Boston Movie News
The 1997 film “Anaconda” didn’t get much love from critics, but it became a box-office smash and spawned multiple sequels. Don’t expect the critics to gush over the latest rehash either. A comic version with the same title, the movie is likely to win over audiences anyway, especially if your expectations are lower than a snake’s stomach.
The original starred Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube and Eric Stoltz whose characters travel to the Amazon to film a documentary on a lost tribe. There, they meet a Paraguayan snake hunter played by Jon Voight, who displays all the charm of a pit viper with a toothache. He also sports a ridiculous ponytail and speaks with an even more ridiculous Spanish accent. Anyway, these intrepid souls soon find themselves on the menu of a gigantic anaconda.
The film benefited from excellent special effects—this anaconda was one nasty reptile—and a campy performance from Voight, who not only chews up the scenery but also swallows it and, appropriately enough, regurgitates it. Before he dies, he even has time to wink at Lopez. If only the new version had such a memorable character.
This one stars Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Thandiwe Newton and Steve Zahn, who arrive in the Amazon to film their version of “Anaconda.” The four were friends at one time, but drifted apart and never achieved their lifelong dreams. Think of it as “The Big Chill” meets “Jaws” in a TV sitcom. The reunion gives them a chance to renew their friendships, and if they get killed doing it, well, what are friends for?
That the cast is slumming it here is being kind. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the paychecks while adding a blockbuster to their resume. Black plays his usual manic self as the director, and the others tag along for the ride. The film jumps the shark—or should that be the snake?—when Black’s character, Doug McAllister, gets bitten by a spider. To be saved, Zahn’s character urinates on him. Let’s just say bodily function jokes seldom fail to draw a laugh. The audience I saw the film with loved it.
Not helping matters is that the CGI snake is not nearly as menacing as in the original, so the fear factor gets reduced. All of this could have been tolerated if the script by Natick’s Tom Gormican, who also directed, and Kevin Etten weren’t so clunky.
As the characters gab, boredom sets in as you wait for anything to happen or for anything funny to take place. You end up rooting for the snake to chow down on everyone to spare us from the lame dialogue. The comic highpoint occurs when the gang thinks Doug is dead, attaches a dead boar to his back, and stuffs a dead squirrel in his mouth to use him as a decoy. Of course—spoiler—Doug isn’t dead—this is a comedy after all—and he ends up running away from the snake in terror. Hilarity ensues.
Gormican, whose previous film was the far superior “The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent,” tries to pump life back into this tired franchise that has literally bitten off more than it can chew. The horror is too mild for horror fans and the comedy too flat for comedy fans. It does turn up the maudlin meter for fans of sentimentality. It even comes with cameos and an ending credit revelation. I did appreciate the inclusion of the Paula Cole song “I Don’t Want to Wait.”
My advice? See the 1997 original. On Netflix now, it’s actually funnier than this comic version.
Bob Tremblay is the former film critic for The MetroWest Daily News in Framingham, Massachusetts.
‘Anaconda’
Cast: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Thandiwe Newton and Steve Zahn
Director: Tom Gormican
Writer: Tom Gormican and Kevin Etten
Rating: PG-13 for violence/action, strong language, some drug use and suggestive references
Running time: 99minutes
Where to watch: Opens in theaters Dec. 25
Grade: C
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